Jill's Escapade: A RE3 Story
by Wight Mamba
Summary: Sometimes we take jokes WAY too far. Very OOC Jill and Carlos. Numerous Lemons, sexual dialogue, and other mature situations. A retelling of RE3 Nemesis from Jill's POV, only very, very wrong. Not for anyone under 17! Please read with caution, people have been known to get hurt reading this and if you do wou'll know how.
1. Chapter 1

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter1: The Beginning of the Beginning of the End

(WARNING MATURE CONTENT)

(All references, characters, and likeness are property of Capcom)

September 28th…I think…I lost track because a really good movie came on and I thought I might as well enjoy myself…that is until those bastard news people decided to put on a emergency news broadcast during one of the hottest scenes so far, I almost saw Grandma get brutally mauled by a reindeer, anyway the news had nothing to do with my move so decide to watch

"This is the site downtown Raccoon city where both the Army and Police have been completely wiped out by…oh god zomb…"

"Said the news lady before she got her head bitten off by a zombie," I said rolling my eyes

"And now back to Grandma Got Run Through by a Reindeer," Said the T.V. announcer

"FUCKITY FUCK, I missed the best part, when grandma got torn to shreds," I Shouted because it was at the part with the stupid autopsy.

Any who, it's still 28th since my last point of speaking, until my movie was interrupted I decided to pop a X-rated video in, this one Chris forgot last time he was over, mostly lesbians which make him horny, which is fine by me. Since it was the only thing remotely good to watch right now I decided to make do with it and got comfortable…really comfortable, It spent the next hour or so getting partly wasted and pleasuring myself before a zombie burst through the door walking on my privacy

"Why do they never knock…hey wait where is my beer and why am I holding an assault rifle, further more where did this assault rifle come from in the first place, and why is my finger not doing what I want it to be doing…me" I complained as I stood up and blasted the zombie to pieces, once it was dead I realized it was quite drafty, this was besides the fact that I was completely naked, anyway it felt pretty good all over especially as it made my tits erect, so I decided to get a camera out and pose for a bit and send them to Chris sometime later. After that I still was naked and holding a fucking assault rifle which probably would come in handy since the town was overrun with zombies. So I decided put a little something, something on, my sluttiest outfit that I wore during my night walking job, so if there were some police mean they couldn't stick me for yet another indecent exposure charge; The first two were charged once by Captain Wesker, the other was charged by Chris although I got out of trouble because of "good behavior" if you get what I mean.

As soon as I opened the door there was a walrus next to my door and two zombies heading in my direction and oddly enough I was more concern about the walrus because before I knew it the damn thing detonated sending me flying out of my apartment, where all my sex toys were, into a mass of zombies and as if we all didn't see that coming, that's what Chris said.


	2. Chapter 2

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter2: Things got complicated

I saw the mass of zombies heading towards me and considered my options…for like 5 seconds before tearing through them with the loaded assault rifle, blowing off there heads making blood and body parts fly everywhere. With my blood lust gone I now need to find a temporary shelter for the time being.

"I am not going back out!" Said the man who owned the place

"Oh yes you are!" I shouted in reply

"No, I lost my daughter out there, now you want me to go out there, forget it I rather stay here and starve to death!" He said shutting himself in the truck

"Suit yourself bastard, although for your weight that'll be a while!" I said loading my hand gun before I headed outside

As I headed outside it seemed pretty deserted but as every veteran survival horror game character knows never trust the silence. I had gun hand gun ready to fire as I took a look around still nothing other than a car on fire as I walked by the door opened and out came a zombie clown making balloon zombies, without a second thought I shot it in the head. After that I found an green herb, this will be useful if I had a paper roll and a cigarette lighter, so I put it in my bag anyway and I continued my search off escape. I made to the next block when I noticed the Video store was opened

"Oh boy time for some looting!" I shouted as I heading into the abandoned store

When I got inside I looked around and there it was the adult video section

"Sweeeeeeet mother of god" I said as I looked on at the mass of Adult videos and triple x rated porno flicks with my mouth drooling out of sheer awe "I think I deserve a little break so I set up the D.V.D player and put on the first video and decided to sit back and relax so I took of my shirt and started to rub my breasts in a manner that made me more turned on that I already was. Then as before it was interrupted this time by a scream so I quickly put my shirt back on although I didn't want to as I ran outside to investigate the screams. When I saw the person getting attacked I noticed it was Brad Vickers a fellow S.T.A.R.S member shooting the zombies

"Somebody help me I can purposely miss these zombies for much longer!" Shouted brad

"Don't worry I here to help and by help I mean do your job for you!" I shouted as I jumped the railing and fired and toke out the zombies attacking Brad

"Thanks Jill I wouldn't have been able to…see your nips if you didn't show up…I mean I wouldn't have been able to escape, say are you wearing a bra?" Said Brad as he shook his head trying to stop from looking at my chest

"No, anyway what's going on here?" I asked Brad

"Don't know, don't care, all I know is that something is after S.T.A.R.S members and it's after me especially!" Shouted Brad who's was panicked

"What's after us?" I asked Brad

"I not entirely sure, all I know is it's coming for us!" Screamed Brad as he ran out of the diner

"What to do now?" I asked myself as I looked around

I left the diner in search of Brad for more reasons then just to stick to gather when I noticed my second favorite liquor store was deserted so I decided to go looting again. As I went through the store I hit the register first, then I opened the fancy liquor cabinet and decided to get hammered. By the 3 third bottle I was so wasted I didn't know what was really going on that point other than I was completely naked and feeling pretty good so I decided to go out looking for some fun. As I staggered out with out my skirt on I noticed Brad

"Oh hey Brad, Hic" I Said in a drunken slur

"Jill I 'm glad you're here and why don't you have pants on?" Asked Brad

"Wouldn't you like to know, hic, now shut up and do me like there's no tomorrow" I said as I tried to get his shirt off but noticed he was being impaled through the mouth with what was probably a tentacle


	3. Chapter 3

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter3: Enter Nemisissy

As I watch on in a state of drunkenness as Bad was being killed I only had one thought in my mind…Who was the big guy and was he interested in doing me?

"S.T.A.R.S" Said the monster as he took one step at me and then looked at me and his voice change completely "Oh my gosh where ever did you get those boots, Do they come in Incredible Hulk size? I must get a pair!" Said Nemesis as he held his hands together

"Uh…what?" I asked partially cracking up from being drunk and the fact the monster sounded like a flaming homo.

"Your boots honey, they are absolutely fabulous!" Said Nemesis doing the gay hand thing

"Pfft Hahahahaha!!" I laughed out of complete drunkenness

"Okay what's so god damn funny?" Asked Nemesis

"Your voice it's so mother fucking hilarious, I mean I haven't laughed this hard since I did it with Chris before he left for Europe," I said barely standing

"Okay I don't think I sound that funny…what you must be from S.T.A.R.S also which mean I need to kill you…wait where the heck did she go!?" Yelled Nemesis as it turned it just walked into the police station

"Shee you later gaytard" I said in a drunken slur

"Err, the hunt is on" He said as he put the black police hat on

As I went into the police station I took a look around, it hadn't changed a bit from when I was gone. I headed to the stars room and realized it was locked, so I looked around until I found my I.D. card, which was in a room where I left it for safe keeping. After that I headed out to get the room open so I logged on to the computer that had the security system and unlocked the S.T.A.R.S room then after that I went on the internet and watched some hardcore porno. Seeing as I had some free time I decided to open a bottle of wine and take the rest of my clothes off and get hammered while fingering myself. After about and hour or so I felt like I had enough for now, besides the fact that I had probably ruined that chair, I needed to get back to work which was gonna be hard because I was more wasted then before. So I got up without even bothering to put my clothes back on I wondered through the station naked shooting zombies with a shotgun so I could actually hit them as drunk as I was. I made way to the S.T.A.R.S room finally and looked around, I didn't much useful so I decided to wait until my head was clear, and so I found a seat along with Rebecca's S.T.A.R.S membership video and fell asleep.

I awoke awhile later still naked and still a bit wasted to a beeping noise from our police broadcast system

"Hello, this is Carlos Olivera. Requesting back up and maybe an order of Tacos?" Said a man's voice

Hearing this gave me an idea he probably needed assistance in more than one way so I want to the gun cabinet found a magnum, put my clothes back on and went back through the police station, luckily I remembered my lock pick from the good old days. As I rounded the corner I ran into the mutant gay again

"Oh crap a missile launcher" I shouted

"No, I couldn't afford that, this is a potato gun" Said Nemesissy

"Oh crap a potato gun!" I shouted as I ran

"Comeback I just want to shoot you" He said as he skipped after me

"Like hell you are!" I yelled as I fired and hit a gas canister that appeared out of nowhere, blowing it up and sending him down

After narrowly escaping death by potato gun I lock picked my way to downtown where my favorite booze joint was. I was getting tired so I made my way to a storeroom my only refuge at the time, I had a feeling that this was about to get annoying.


	4. Chapter 4

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Lemon Alert

Chapter4: U.B.C.S to the rescue…

After getting collected from sleeping the drunkenness off, I took my gun and left the storeroom, after walking for a bit I saw some Cerberus jump of a fire. Having experience dealing with these things from the mansion incident, I finished the darn things off in no time and then I eventually made it to my favorite liquor store which was also abandoned and went. After a little bit of looking I found the stuff to make my favorite drink a kamikaze. I downed like 3 of those before it got wasted enough to take off my skirt and start playing with my self enough that I almost came to a climax but not enough to because I heard some gun fire as wasted as I was. So I redressed and then downed yet another kamikaze so yeah I was incredible wasted. After I grabbed a few bottles of who knows what kind of alcohol I some how made my way to a restaurant that was deserted and looked around and nothing was there. As I walked to what I was pretty sure was a back door a guy burst in and knocked into me.

"Uff Sorry senorita I didn't see you there for a moment" Said the man

"You didn't see anything…Unless you want to?" I slurred out the question

"Hey are you alright miss…" He said as he made a gesture with his hand

"What?" I asked still unsure what the hell was going on

"Your name?" He asked me

"Oh, My name ish…Jill...Valentine, Jill Valentine!" I said barely

"So your name is Jill, my name is Corporal Carlos Olivera of U.B.C.S delta squad, a pleasure to meet your acquaintance" He said

"The pleasure ish all mine" I responded

Just then the nemesis burst through the door

"Oh hello there I found you, say who your handsome friend there is?" He said

"Who wants to know" I responded before Carlos grabbed me by the arm ran behind the counter and shot the barrel in the kitchen

"Die you one Ugly son of a beetch!" shouted Carlos as he ducked from the explosion

As the monster laid there on fire we made it out the back door and ran into the open

"It looks like he's down for now we need to get going to some place safe" Said Carlos

"Oh I know where we can lay low...eheheh" I said still drunk as I grabbed his arm and lead him into the store room and locked the door behind me

"Now what?" he asked

"Oh you'll know soon enough, but for now just sit back relax and enjoy yourself" I said As I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply in the mouth and pulled back to see his reaction and he smiled and said "That's not it is it?" before I went in from another kiss this time I let my tongue do the work as his responded to mine then our kiss got more and more passionate to the point where he stopped opened the tequila bottle I swipe took a swig and then came in for anther kiss but as soon as he tried is pushed back and had said" Wait for a moment"

As he sat down I took a shot of the tequila and then began by taking my shirt off exposing my breasts and then I poured the rest of the tequila on them and then I ran my fingers across my chest down to my skirt and began to remove it as he watched me undress until I was completely naked, drunk, and pretty much willing to do anything he wanted and then I walked up to him sat down on his lap and started to kiss him, after a short kiss he started groping me as I removed his bullet proof vest and his shirt and ran my hand down his back feeling the warmth of his chest against mine.

"Oh that feels nice" I Said as he ran his hand down my back and across my legs which made me even more horny then when I was drunk before so I then slide my hands down to the front of his pants unzipped them unbuckled the belt and took them off and then he laid me on the floor and I stretched out to get comfortable and he got over me looked into my eyes smiled and then he entered me and we began to kiss and press into each other and roll around in a drunken frenzied sex session that was something I haven't done with another person for months, I felt so good I started to scream in pleasure as he was howling to, and as I felt my thing tighten around his I reached a climax and pretty much screamed in sheer thrill as he also came to a climax into me which caused both to fall unconscious still in one another's embrace


	5. Chapter 5

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 story

Lemon Alert

Chapter5: Out of the storeroom and into the fire

I woke up after an amount of time I have no idea how long since I was complete wasted and exhausted. I found my self laying next to the man how I just meet and fucked without much thought other than score. I sat up rubbed my eyes and stretched out a bit and yawned then I heard Carlos wake up and realized his hand was between my legs and it slipped across my side so he fell into me, which made me smile. Then he had sat up and looked around in a daze.

"Good morning sleepy head, you enjoy yourself?" I Asked as I put my arms around his shoulders and looked him in the eye

"I can't really remember after all I did down a half a bottle of Tequila, which you smell like" He said still in a drunken and exhausted sounding voice

"Hmmm I know I poured on my self for you" I said because I was still drunk also

"Oh, man I'm so dizzy" He said with a head spiraling motion

"Mmmmm, you know I am covered in Tequila still if you want you could lick it of off me" I said lying with my back arched

"Sounds fun" said as he crawled toward me and kissed my neck for a while and then moved down to my breasts which he kissed and nipped both while using his tongue to make it more pleasuring. Then he moved down to my navel and start licking my stomach of which was still moist from the tequila and after he was finished there he moved down to my pussy which also got drenched, but in more ways then one and began to lick there which made me moan in sheer ecstasy which he noticed this and began to go faster. Then he spread my legs making it even more enjoyable as I couldn't handle that and came into his mouth which when he stopped caused us to catch out breathes.

After I had caught my breath I supposed it was his turn so I got between his legs toke his cock in one hand put the rest in my mouth and began to pump it. He responded by moaning stuff in Spanish and as I got faster and more forceful he started to get loud almost to the point of yelling when he came and I took it in. He again needed his breath as for me I wanted him more as I crawled over him and looked into his eyes and pressed in for a kiss and like before I used my tongue to set him into a frenzy. After that kiss I could tell he was ready for round two so I found a bottle of wine and downed some of it and got more hammered as I put my hands on him and started to feel him up as his hands found there selves between my legs again where they guided me onto his hard member which I started to hump and then he wrapped his arms around me and we began to kiss again this time It wasn't for enticement it was for lust. As our rhythms got more carnal I finally reached a climax that made me scream in total enjoyment as he did the same into me and I fell onto him and we continued at a slower pace until we got to tired.

After out fun he decided to stop and said "We need to get out of this city"

Since I was both wasted and completely in a state of total sexual pleasure I was giddy and out of control of what I did

"Uh are you alright Jill?" Carlos asked me

I still didn't respond because of my state

"Great now what do I do?" He said

"Why don't you do me again?" I said looking at him as he got dressed

"Look it too dangerous we need to get moving" He replied as the last I saw of his cock got covered by his pants

I was so drunk I was beginning to run my hand on my vagina because I was at the point where I would do anything for enjoyment as Carlos slapped his head and then I reached a climax that caused me to pass out for a while. This time when I woke up I noticed I was being carried still naked through the city

"Wow I'm walking without using my feet." I said because I was still drunk

"No because I'm carrying you, because you couldn't move!" Carlos yelled

"Don't be like that." I replied as I tried to touch his groin

"Don't you even think about it!" He shouted

After I while my head cleared enough for me to stand as we made it to a garage, I was still naked and I just realized it, even thought I didn't care to much I would still get in trouble if law enforcers came by.

"Do you have my clothes?" I asked

"Whoops forgot why I was loading ammo and other supplies" Carlos replied

"So I other words I'm gonna be naked until we find a clothes store or until the police get me again." I complained

"Looks like it!" Carlos responded

"Oh great!" I said

We walked on and we found Carlos's comrade's fort place, my head had gotten much clearer as well as some of my modesty around strangers as I walked through trying to hide myself some what mostly my swollen breasts, well the nipples at least. We had made it in when the place got attacked the main guy Nicolai ran for it as the rest fought as well as Carlos. As I toke a look around I noticed the sissy monster had found us.

"Hey, hey, hey" It said before it killed a guy by shoving its tentacle through the guys ass.


	6. Chapter 6

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter 6: Grease monkey business

Lemon Alert

The men of U.B.C.S were being wasted by nemesis that is until their lieutenant Mikhail ran out with an assault rifle and blasted the nemesis enough to make it retreat to the shadows from whence it came. Too bad he was injured when we got back into the trolley when Carlos and Nicolai came in they discussed how to get the trolley running and then they suited up Carlos had gotten me only some skimpy underwear at the time. We needed to get some oil, some cords and a new fuse. So we headed out I went to get the oil, I found my way to the gas station, I went in and looked around I was still a bit tipsy and horny so I was kind of incapable of clear thought. Then I heard a clang in the next room I looked in and saw Carlos.

"Hi Carlos, what cha doing?" I asked walking towards him

"Not much just checking the place for some gasoline," He said looking around

"I want to know something, Carlos," I said to Carlos

"What is it?" He inquired

"Did you enjoy the way I fucked you?" I asked him with a smile

"To be honest…I can't get you out of my mind you have such a great body and I liked the warmth of your body," He said in an excited voice

"So would you like to do it again?" I said licking my lips in anticipation

He smiled and walked up to me and then looked at my body as I removed my bra and removed my thong as he took off his shirt. I kissed him on the lips and undid his belt buckle and slid my hand in his pants and started to fondle him and run my hand along his hard cock as we continued to make out then his hand ran across my back which caused me to flinch a bit. I then got down on my knees and pulled his pants off and wrapped both hands around the base of his dick and began to suck it as well as pulling on it to get him to lose his mind, he got harder and I began to get more horny and got a bit anxious as I sucked faster and he soon came in my mouth and I swallowed.

After that he then got me to stand up and then he began to return the favor and he brought me to a great climax that I haven't had since I was with Chris. After that he lay down on the ground and was enticing me with a bottle of wine. He popped the cork with his teeth and drank some I than crawled over him I kissed him and then took the bottle and drank at least one fourth of the bottle because I got giddy and I let Carlos put his cock into my vagina and he pressed into me and we started kissing and rolling around the floor in a flurry of passion that was more intense then our first session. We were so absorbed in what we were doing we didn't notice that Nicolai had radioed in.

I stopped in the middle and shouted "Man you are so good at this, for the love of God, keep going!"

"Well I have had experience but you're by far the most enjoyable broad I have fucked in a while," He replied out of breath.

We then got back to it and he brought me to a climax so enjoyable I screamed in sheer pleasure that I got on top and started thrusting myself onto him and eventually he came in me and he moaned in sexual enjoyment and I returned the favor by coming on him and we stopped to catch our breaths. He then stopped me and told me after we get through this we can fuck each other all the time. I sighed and agreed as I got a gas canister and we left after blowing the thing sky high for no reason we then decided to spilt up luckily we passed a clothes store and I got some clothes that made me look like a high price hooker, just the way I like it.

"I'll get the fuses you need to get the gasoline additive," He said

"Okay let's do it, and not do it as in sex…" I said being serious

"Let's move!" He shouted

We went out separate ways for now and I made my way uptown which was repopulated with zombies which it took out my shotgun, cocked it, smiled and said "It's not sex but it's still fun to do!" as I blasted their heads off.


	7. Chapter 7

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter 7: Uptown Girl

I had made it pass another mass of zombies that had came at me with a shotgun and I had worked my way to the uptown area of Raccoon city where all the expensive and classy stuff is, booze, people, movies, jewelry but I was more interested in clothes this time more importantly clothes in the sense of lingerie and the really sexy and revealing stuff. So I made a quick peak around the corner.

"Great there are more zombies!" I said sarcastically so I changed to my assault rifle and mowed down the bastards in seconds laughing evilly the entire time.

After about another fifty zombies I made it to a classiest, as well a the sexiest lingerie store in town kicked open the door and helped my self by first stripping down completely naked and checking my bare body in the mirror.

"Hmmm I'm a picture perfect hotty" I said happily as stared at my self completely nude which was turning me on because I was still slightly buzzed.

I locked the door to the dressing room and sat down and started enjoying myself while I looked at myself in the mirror I began slowly and soft and got more aggressive as time passed and I came. I then set up a camera and started posing for when I see Chris again or if I want to sell them. After that I tried on some of them but always one piece at a time. After I tried on all I wanted I decided to gather my things and backpack and broke the lock off the register and took the money.

"Pay day!!!" I shouted happily "Now where's the classy liquor store I'm losing my buzz".

I then found the liquor store searched the shelve for the thing with the most alcohol content and pulled the cork out with my teeth and chugged about an eighth of the bottle before getting hammered and walking out. I really wasn't sure where I was or what was going on but I was pretty sure I was naked again because the cool wind felt good between my legs. Then I made it to a place that was lit up and I walked in still not sure what was happening but it had to do with buzzing lights and electricity.

"Wow It'sh sho beautiful" I said in a pure alcoholic stupor.

I stumbled in and pressed some buttons which opened a door, then there was some banging at the door, I turned and there were zombies, being drunk at the time I thought they were having a party and I threw a switch to let them in, although instead it fried them as well as making there heads explode all at once I then collapsed.

I woke up less drunk but still pretty drunk and put some of my clothes back on, then I looked inside the door I opened and found a grenade launcher as well as some spark plugs, but then I became alert as I heard a boom.

"Hello is anyone in here, especially some one from S.T.A.R.S or a big macho man" Said Nemesis as he walking in with a potato gun as well as a sack of the tubers and he walked in the room I happened to be in.

"Crap" I said as he pointed the sad excuse for a weapon at me.

"Not so fast there, don't be thinking y'all going to get away this time!" Said the stupid monster as he loaded a potato in the thing.

"Uh huh…Sorry but I have to go" I replied as I aimed the grenade launcher at him and fired knocking him into a wall.

"Oh no, you done and gone burnt my arm, now I'm going to have to kill you" Said the stupid thing.

"Weren't you going hunting me down to kill me already?!" I yelled pointed the grenade launcher at it.

"Oh no that's right I was already going to, you know what I'm going to hunt you down more so, and that's my choice!" It said before I got feed up and blasted it with a grenade launcher again.

"Damn hulking gay fucker chasing me down all the time can't give me a break for even a second, well at least I got the damn spark plugs" I said tossing them in the air.

I made my way back to the trolley with the plugs and had to find the fuel mixture, I made it to the pharmacy, why it's in there I don't know this version of the game makes no sense partially because the person writing it got bored with the game and might play it again but when I don't know. Any way I tried to blow the wooden door down but for some unknown reason it didn't even singe, so I got bored and threw a brick through the window which smashed it and I walked in and say Nicolai near a dead guy on a computer.

"Hi Nicolai whatcha doing?" I asked in a stupid voice.

"Down loading music illegally off the internet so I can sell pirated music and make millions" He said after laughing like a total idiot.

"Cool has fun with that…" I said considering blowing his head off to get the computer and use it for porn.

I then found a door that had a key pad, I had no idea what the password was so I typed in the word RE5hasabadplotline and it opened and I went in. Then I heard Nicolai scream as zombies flooded in as usual, what I don't get is how on earth they know where I am! So I toke out my assault rifle again and mowed the down yet again and started heading towards downtown but not before the effeminate hulk spotted me.

"Oh no you don't miss fancy boots" He said as he fired a potato at me and it hit the wall and splattered so I ran.


	8. Chapter 8

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter 8: A Street Car Called Death

(I finally beat Resident evil 3 since the last part I wrote which means I know what goes on and I know how to make this story oh so much more funnier than it already is…Now then there are gonna be snags at certain times so bear with me okay?)

While running I took a pin out of a magic plasma grenade I just happened to find as it appeared seemingly out of nowhere as well as seal the door and the gay monster that has been chasing me, a totally hot and sexy yet alcoholically dependant woman, when he should be out chasing a man or some other gay monster. Anyway as I was running I heard the plasma grenade go off and it sounded awesome like something out of another videogame made me realize what the heck is a plasma grenade doing in the year 1998 when something like this should be found in the year 2397 or something, although I'm not complaining it shut Mister Gay-As-Hell up for the time being. I made my way back to downtown where the trolley was located so I could get the hell outta this place and its population of undead and other retarded stuff that I kill for fun and otherwise. As I made it back to the trolley I heard the sound of gun fire and notice it was Mikhail killing the zombies that I was supposed so I knocked him out dragged his sorry ass back in the trolley and set it up.

"Finally we can get out of this hell hole!" I said possibly putting stuff in the wrong places do to my impaired vision.

Then Carlos came in

"Did you get the stuff?" Carlos asked as he put stuff in the right order

"Yes indeed now we can leave this place and find some place where we can escape our problems and do some very naughty thing to each other and possibly a third person." I said smiling

"Oookkkkaaaayyyy the third part I didn't catch but the rest is fine by me!" He shouted happily

So he started the trolley up and we were rushing to the clock tower at an unsafe speeds I was in the middle of taking my shirt off when I heard a crash that cause me to tear my shirt practically in half which was enough to expose enough my breasts and I decided to check it out. There he was, the gay monster who is a pain in the ass if you are a man, Nemesissy, and he was walking towards me when Mikhail got up started firing and got bashed by the brute, naturally I laughed my head off until I noticed Mikhail was inexplicably replaced by an Iraqi suicide bomber clown, started the Iraqi suicide scream as he revealed his set of thermo nuclear bombs which somehow makes no sense, causing me to close the door behind me

I then turned to Carlos and said "Dude, there is a Iraqi suicide clown out there with nukes who is going to blow Mr. Gay Motherfucker to kingdom come, but if we don't jump out the window we will go with those two to hell most likely."

"Do we get to use the stunt doubles?" He asked

"Yep we sure do!" I shouted happily

"Excellent." Carlos said to an impression of Mike Myers in _Wayne's World._

So we stopped the camera and set up the stunt doubles, then started rolling the cameras and our doubles did the stunt for us as the trolley exploded.


	9. Chapter 9

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 Story

Chapter 9: Clock Tower

(Lemon alert)

(Sorry I have written any chapters for a while my main base of operations was down in another state with my sister for 2 months that and I was working on my youtube videos, also I was working with my RP forums and other things that fill the void where the life I don't have is)

I awoke to find that my stunt double had failed the landing and ended up getting impaled on a wayward hotdog stand and what a hotdog stand was doing in a deserted clock tower was beyond me. I walked into the next room, a store room which was fine by me because my exposed nipples where getting hard from the cold so I got a shirt out of the magical store box and put it on, along with taking out my infinite ammo assault rifle, walked to the next room. God I hate not being able to skip through the door scene, stupid door I hate you so much I wish you would die, oh hooray the door scene is over. I walked in and noticed Carlos standing there.

"Watcha doing Carlos?" I inquired yet again.

"Jill, I'm glad you're here, I found some special rounds for the grenade launcher, that you may find useful, freeze rounds, which are as good as magnum rounds contrary to what everyone believes," Carlos said.

"Well what the fuck are you waiting for, hand them over!" I shouted happily.

"No, first you have to do something for me," Carlos replied.

"Fuck you!" I shouted angrily wanting the damn grenade rounds.

"Precisely bitch, you fuck me, you get the stuff," Carlos replied smiling.

"Hmmm you make a compelling argument," I stated also smiling.

I walked up to Carlos with a bottle of heavily fortified wine in my hand pulled the cork out and chugged about one-eighth of the thing before I got wasted, from there I practically ripped my clothes off and pressed against him kissing him as deeply as possible letting our tongues dance in each others mouths.

I pulled out and shouted "I am going to fuck you so hard neither will be walking straight for a whole day!"

I then got down on my knees in front of Carlos pants and removed them to reveal his erect cock, which I wrapped both my hands around the base and began to suck hard, while I hungrily sucked and licked his dick he removed his vest and, as well as taking a swig of the wine himself before pouring it all over me, which on resulted in me sucking harder and more aggressively. After a few more minutes of sucking his cock he finally came in my mouth which I readily swallowed. It was Carlos's turn to orally satisfy me and let me tell you I was pretty much about to explode without him doing anything. He didn't immediately start with my crotch he instead kissed my neck using his tongue to clean the wine he poured on me which made me moan and rub my swollen breasts which he worked his way down eventually, sucking each one as well as nipping my already erect tits, this made me moan in pure ecstasy. Hearing this Carlos looked up at me smiled and preceded to spread my legs and began lick my aching pussy. As he started driving me mad I lost control and blew up in his face which was a little early but he licked up all the same and decided to give me another chance as he continued to lick my snatch. I was to the point where began to scream because it felt so good and I pressed his head forward to my pussy for sheer pleasure. I never want him to stop I felt so great, but all good things must end and I came harder then the first time. Now for the real fun, Carlos laid down on his back with his cock pointing straight up. I wanted him inside me, I was going to impale myself on it, and I was going to drive that stake in so hard it would never come out. I got over him and forced his man meat as far inside my wet warm muff as far as it could go and began to press into it, screwing his thing deep into my vagina. His stiff penis felt so good I didn't know how much longer I could handle or who would let go first.

After about thirty minutes of riding him like a bucking bronco he finally let go into me and I released onto him and we collapsed into each and other embraced with him still inside me and he mounted me and began to do the same thing until we reached another climax and he pulled his hard dick out of my cunt which almost made me cum and we held each other until we fell asleep.

I woke up about an hour later dazed, confused an above at the rest horny as hell, Carlos was still asleep and I was almost unable to stand from the fuckfest. As I mustered enough energy to get up into a chair I began to run my fingers along the inside of me until I came. After that little bit of self satisfaction I picked up the grenade rounds and left not even bothering to put on my clothes


	10. Chapter 10

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 Story

Chapter 10: Dial X for stupid

I do not own Resident Evil yadda yadda disclaimer, disclaimer

If you haven't realized it yet Nemesis is supposed to sound like that guy that always says "Oh no" on Family Guy (Which I don't own either)

After totally having my brains fucked out by Carlos he gave me the Ice rounds for my grenade launcher, I took them which was annoying because I totally needed that inventory slot for something stupid no doubt, I looked for a store room but was confronted by an as load of zombies I. I had to do something quick other than Carlos because he isn't around in this part of the game and that when I noticed "it"! The original gold album of Michael Jackson's Thriller and as the zombies started dancing I took the liberty of machete-ing the hell out of the things with a conveniently placed machete I just happened upon. After listening to two versions of Dane Cook's Isolated Incident which for some reason and I had to wonder why the hell is this a part of a puzzle and why the hell is it a puzzle that involves something that will be made ten years in the future. After quickly realizing that the author of this story is a complete nut job.

"HEY I HEARD THAT!"

Whatever anyway as I was saying before I was interrupted, I went up stairs and looked up their was a clown hanging from a ceiling where there should be a spider which makes no difference because I blew the things fucking head off anyway, I went into the next room and found a gear, which took up yet another much needed inventory slot which means I am officially out of inventory space. I reached the top of the clock tower but then as if I wasn't expecting who should appear but nemesissy

"What the HELL, I thought you fucking died! What in the name of fuckity fuck does it take to fucking kill you motherfucking fucker from fucking hell!" I shouted in disbelief

"…Nice to see you to miss fancy boots, by the way I still need to kill you with my potato gun" Responded the thing

"Yeah well…uh hold up the stupid option thing is coming on the screen"

Option1: Kick his ass off the building and cause collateral damage.

Option2: Have a tea party then proceeding to kick his ass off of the building and cause collateral damage.

Option3: Rip apart a wire and sick it in the water his is standing in to shock the living fuck out of him then watch him stagger to the edge of the building and then after saying "See you in hell FUCKO!" kick his ass off the building and cause collateral damage.

Option4: Repent sins and cause collateral damage.

"How the hell doe repenting cause collateral damage? Anyway let's see, No not 4 that is not something I would do EVER, and number 1 sounds pretty lame, number 2 is a maybe, you know what fuck the tea party!" I shouted as I tore a wire in half shocked the creature and watched it stagger leaning near the edge of the building and the walked up to it placed my foot to it's chest and said "SEE YOU IN HELL FUCKO!" and kicked it off the building and onto a garden statue

I then went into the next room that was there and say the store box I switched my inventory up took my clothes off for no reason and shoved the gear where it needed to go not where I wanted it to go, I then walked over to the puzzle box thing, got annoyed took a socket wrench of the ground and smashed the thing which caused it to work which is odd because usually when I wreck "something" it blows up in my face and sometimes between my legs. As I skipped through the building completely naked which was a nice change of pace and then I got near the exit and notice "It" was out there so I decided to put something on so I put on a G-string and a bra, hey I need some protection.

"So mister gay thing that chases me through the city you still won't give up, I commend you for persistence, but your going down" I said glaring at

"Well miss fancy boot I think me and my potato gun say otherwise!" Said the thing as it launched a spud at me which missed by a long shot and smashed against the building

"Wow…that was lame you didn't even aim did you?" I asked in shock

"You done gone and broke my guns crosshair, well I guess I'll have to punch you to death and take your boots" It said putting the gay hat on and bringing out a boom box which was playing Macho, Macho Man.

"Could you be anymore gay?" I asked

"Girlfriend there ain't anything gayer than me!" I proudly exclaimed

"The hell with it eat lead you poor excuse for a main enemy" I said as I pulled my Magnum from my panty strap and fired several rounds into it which seemed to effect it for once work because ever time I hit the damn thing it said "Oh no" and it would be knocked over bit when I need to reload that when trouble came and he grabbed me by the neck

"I am gonna smash that pretty head of your right in" It said as it raised it other fist

I smiled and said "Yeah well fuck you to as used substitution jutsu and escaped his grasp and took out my grenade launcher and blasted him which Ice rounds which where just as good as the Magnum as well as they made my nipples erect after shooting him with 20 he got hit hard enough which sent him into hopefully oblivion after that I went back inside found an area that looked like a church and got naked and started fingering myself as well as popping the top of a bottle of beer but then I felt really rotten and the world seemed to fade and this was bad.


	11. Chapter 11

Jill's Escapade: A Resident Evil 3 Story

Chapter 11: Sick day

DISCLAIMER ALREADY!

(Hello loyal fans of my oh so messed up story, I am sorry I haven't written anything in…god I don't even know how long…largely a blame of several things, most of all college, but don't fret because…I'mmmm baaaaack muhahahahah!)

(And also before anyone says anything I am a classic rock fan and that includes Queen)

I had finally defeated the gayest creature that has ever existed…besides Freddy Mercury that is, but I can't really tell you what happened because I blacked out for any number of reasons. Carlos is still convinced it was the T-Virus, I am pretty sure it was the inhuman amount of alcohol I consumed in however long it has been. So this is switching to Carlos.

Okay so it's like this. I arrived on the scene shortly after what I believe was Freddy Mercury from the band Queen, which was weird because I think he was long dead by then, was defeated by Jill, who had fallen over.

"Jill!" I shouted as I salsa danced through the fire somehow not getting burned which is amazing.

I picked up the fallen slu…err I mean heroine and carried her to a safe place.

"Jill I have rescued you, but I think you got injured!" I shouted to her as she lay down.

"The only part of me that hurts is my ears from you yelling in my ears, and I'm probably getting sick from the booze," Jill replied obviously delirious from the virus.

"It's the T-virus; it can't be the hooch, alcohol makes otherwise boring situations completely tolerable," I said as I downed half a bottle of raspberry lambic that had seemingly materialized out of nowhere "Now I must get an antidote from the hospital!"

"I just need to sleep it off and didn't you have an accent about three chapters ago?" Jill asked me still delirious since I obviously don't have one.

"I must be off but first…" I said before taking out a rapier and slashing a Z on the wall.

Well I had to make my way through the perpetual thriller music video known as Raccoon City, carrying with me my trusty assault rifle, one magazine, and one assault rifle magazine of 100 rounds, my pistol, and my knife. I had made my way to the hospital without much trouble. As I entered the hospital I saw a shuffling form approach me, it was the jack of spades form my nightmares.

"So Jack we meet again, but this time I have a gun and pants!" I stated proudly.

Unfortunately before I could even pull the trigger of my rifle, Jack's head was torn off. What did it was a frog, not just on, but two ordinary bullfrogs tore the head of an evil playing card, I mean how on earth that was possible? Rather than ponder this impossibility I loosed two rounds ending their otherwise boring lives. I looked around the lobby, then my eyes fell upon the pharmacy and in the pharmacy was a ton of prescription drugs, but most of all was Flintstones chewable vitamins.

"SCORE!" I shouted happily as downed an almost lethal amount and saved the rest for later.

In the same room I found a container labeled serum red, and I took it for no particular reason. I decided to see if there was anything interesting. I made my way to the elevator and got in and pressed the button. The elevator began to rise. After about ten minutes of rising it got to the second floor. The door opened and I stepped through and saw my U.B.C.S comrade Nikolai.

"Nikolai!" I shouted.

"Oh…it's you...Carlos Mencia right?" Nikolai said, he never was good with names.

"It's Oliviera," I said in reply.

"Right…right," He said to me.

"Unnnhhhh…" I heard someone moan and I ran over and saw one of my comrades bleeding to death with bullet holes.

"What happened here, I demand an answer?" I shouted demanding an answer.

"We were playing…Call of duty and I am in the lead," Nikolai said.

Suddenly the noise of a pin hitting the ground was heard.

"Tell me that wasn't a death streak," I said as a grenade rolled towards my feet.


	12. Chapter 12

Jill's Escapade, a Resident Evil 3 story

D-I-S-C-L-I-A-M-E-R

(Okay first off I would like to apologize to all my fans, however many of them you are, I have had some huge problems in my life, being kicked out of college by teachers who were corrupt sons of bitches who decided to use me for money and not much else by not bothering to help me when I am in fact a victim of learning disabilities and was ignored in that aspect, so word to the wise, if you even think about going to an Art Institute "DO NOT DO IT")

(Secondly I have been under stress and the fact that I have no life past the fact that I am now in Chan lo kwon, Tae kwon do and the is taking up time)

(Third and probably final I am too busy with Roleplaying forums)

(Also I am probably drunk when I wrote this)

The first paragraph is dedicated to Jake Tanner, you are a poor writer and you deserved every flame and negative review you get

As the grenade exploded I was thrown from the next room, luckily for me I had blast shield set and active so that the martyrdom death streak was only at half effect. I however cannot say the same for Nikolai. The poor bastard fell out the window and died. Any ways I decided to check if the charred remains of the person who blew himself up had anything salvageable, I looked and found the key card I need. I may have forgotten to mention this but I needed a key card to get into a locked room. As I brushed of the dust from the explosion I walked back into the hallway and then I noticed it, the most horrifying creature to roam the earth. I stood there stunned as I looked upon his horrid visage and aimed down the sight as it spotted me and shouted

"FUCK U FUCKING FUCKER U DON DEZERVE MY GRETNESS!" as he ran at me with the worst excuse for literature on the face of the universe

As he ran towards me I fired my assault rifle at him until I emptied the clip, and looked at the monster. He may not have been a zombie, he may not have been tiring to kill me, and all I know is that I wanted him dead. But since he was now no more than shredded body in a pool of his own failure I decided to move on I mean Jill still needed to be saved. As I went to the elevator I swiped the card to access floor b2 of the hospital. I check my clip and replaced it, if I happened to run into that creature again which I don't doubt, I wanted to make sure I was ready. I upholstered my pistol and cautiously checked my surroundings and made sure it was clear.

"Okay now then let's have a look around" I said to myself as I looked for anything worth taking and I found a bottle of red serum, but as soon as I took it, two more bullfrog materialized out of thin air and tried to kill me like a zombie earlier. As the bull frogs hopped three inches in my direction I fired two round killing the first. As I tried to fire at the second my handgun jammed and I tripped backwards as the bullfrog came at me

"Shit, fate don't fall me now!" I prayed

"LEEEEERRRROOOOOYYYY JEEENNKKINNNNNSSS!" Said a massive person as he pummeled the bullfrog into the way and the got sucked into a wormhole from whence, or from what I assume, he came

I don't know how, why, or what happened all I know is I am still alive because it did. I popped the jammed round and made sure I was still able to fire. I walked towards the B3 stairwell and went down it. In the room wasn't much except for a box of 9mm rounds and can of first aid spray. In the room was a vaccine synthesizer which needed two serums, which luckily form me I had on me.

"Don't worry Jill, I will be back, and I will make you pay me back for it" I said to myself as the newly synthesized vaccine was complete.

I made my way back to the elevator and back to the main floor of the hospital, as I ran out the front door, something almost as bad as the badfic writer from earlier appeared, Nemesissy, the only creature stupid as well as gay enough to read and enjoy NRV and post reviews of how good it was, hopefully it was to distracted to notice me so I could slip past.

"Eeehheee, shamona!" It said as it notice me and did a moonwalk

"Forget this!" I said as I pulled my assault rifle and fired at it and knocked it down for a enough time that I could get past it and make a run for the church or whatever and help Jill, and probably get a happy ending!


	13. Chapter 13

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter 13: Are we there yet…no

(Give me a D-I-S-C-L-I-A-M-E-R)

(This story is not a reflection of how I write)

(Okay in case anyone decides to flame this because they think this is how I always write stories, this story is supposed to be a god awful piece of shit, it is pure crap and that is why it is in the Humor/Parody section, but trust me this is not NVR, no story is as bad as NVR, not even cloud mows the lawn, and if you are reading this Jake Tanner, you are a self-absorbed, narcissistic, delusion, little troll and your work sucks, is it any wonder why your stuff fails?)

After about five minutes of running from what I can only assume were Justin Beiber fans, I think I was pretty much in the clear.

"Fuck, this is not what I signed up for" I said to myself "I assumed that something like this would happen, but I assumed that the TARDIS would come and save me!"

I finally made it to the church, there was just one problem

"THERE-IS-NO-HUMANS-TO- EXTERMINATE"

Daleks, great as if things weren't as stupid as a gay badfic obsessed incredible hulk, and zombies, and every day bull frogs, now I had to deal with Daleks, could today get any worse?

"Delete, delete, delete"

And now there is Cybermen…oh well might as well let them fight gives me enough time to get past them. As the two robotic idiotic things fought I walk nonchalantly, miraculously not getting hit by a single blast that would kill me on the spot. I reached the door and locked it behind me

"Okay not going out that way again" I said to myself just glad to be out of that mess

I quickly ran back to the safe room where Jill was rest, when I got to the door and who should appear but Nemisissy

"You thinking you had done and killed didn't y'all, well I just gonna have to rape y'all now" said the creature.

I replied by opening the door and closing it behind me, because for some reason these doors seemed to be made of some indestructible material. When I turned around I saw the woman who I was probably going to get another happy ending from, Jill

"Did you get the goods?" She asked

"Anti-virus right here!" I said proudly

"I WAS DRUNK YOU MORON, did you at least have some kind of drug I can get high off of?" Jill asked

"All I have are about 20 bottles of Flintstone's chewable vitamins" I said

"WELL FUCK YOU I AM OUT OF HERE!" Jill shouted

"You might want to wait, first off the thing chasing us has been firing potatoes at the door for about 2 minutes now, next to that Daleks and Cybermen are duking it outside" I said

"So what do we do for another hour?" Jill said "I have no drugs, no booze, and no porn, and before you suggest I screw you, I am not in the mood"

"Oh sheesh come on I risked my life" Carlos said

"No I won't screw you, but you can pleasure me!" Jill said

"Okay" I sighed as I got down in front of her

(I know short chapter, I wasn't drinking when I wrought this one)


	14. Chapter 14

Jill's Escapades: A Resident Evil 3 story

Chapter 14: Back in the Saddle

(Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody of resident evil, Resident Evil is property of Capcom, any other reference to other work I make are owned by their respective owners and not by me)

(Sorry my last chapter was so short I was trying speed through the Carlos part, but luckily those are past, and thanks for the reviews well more like the one review, still a review is a review and that is all I really care about, that and making a complete mockery of Resident Evil 3.)

After receiving another tongue lashing from Carlos who left immediately afterword's I decided it was time for me to leave. Luckily most of the Daleks and the Cybermen had killed each other off, I was able to get through the church fairly unmolested. After walking pretty safely for another hour down a path that I had opened using a key Carlos gave me will getting me off I was able to move towards the my next destination. I pulled out my 12-gauge and offed the zombies standing in my way. I walked into an empty trench and found the gate. When I tried opening it, I couldn't because it was locked by some valves, so I turned one and the trench started filling with water.

As the trench filled with water my clothes got wet and I didn't want to wear them anymore so I stripped myself naked and the cold water made my nipples harden. As a walked through the water I decided to skinny dip which is something I haven't done in a while, since the Spencer Estate. Then I checked my pack for some sort of alcohol and found a small bottle of 150 proof Absinthe. My eyes water from happiness as I immediately downed the complete bottle fell over completely wasted and naked. At this point I could not stand and my body was completely numb so I decided to add some feeling and my hands had minds of their own as the slipped between my legs and I began to play with myself.

I am just amazed nothing attacked me for the half hour I was screaming my head off from fingering myself. I woke up in daze of being drunk and being horny as fuck.

"Oh god…I want need a man, or a woman…both actually…so long have I 69'ed a chick" I said as I envisioned my college locker room shower time when I got to see all the big chested woman who used to talk turns raping me…then again you can't rape the willing.

After waking from the daze completely I noticed my clothes were missing, but at this point I hardly cared, add to it the gate was open since I must of done it while drunk off my ass. I went through the gate and wound up in a grave yard, suddenly I heard rumbling and outburst a banana with maracas. I shuddered in horror as it began singing "Peanut butter jelly time" so I pulled out my grenade launcher from god knows where, which is a lie I knew where I hid it, and blasted it about three times with Cyro rounds and took a baseball bat and shattered it. I then walked towards the shack in the distance.

"I hope they have a computer because I haven't watched porn in god knows when, and speaking of god I am probably going to end up in hell after this so I might as well sin my ass off!" I said

(I am going to need to read up on this since I am low on inspiration)


End file.
